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I am Enough

Have you ever had the love of your life suddenly break your heart? Well I have, and it fucking sucks.

Everyone goes through a heartbreak in different ways. I have been struggling with mine because of how sudden and out of the blue it was. I will never be the same person again.

So welcome to my journey of soul searching and slowly learning that I was enough, he just didn’t have the balls to admit it.

 

Moving On

Wow, it feels like its been a lifetime since I’ve written. A lot has changed over the past couple months, in a good way. I have been able to come to terms with the break-up and how things ended. I have matured and grown in so many ways these past couple months that have helped me feel like my old self again.

Is it hard knowing that he has moved on and is dating someone else, sure it is, but I don’t let it get to me. He will never be able to find another Caitlin. I really am a unicorn. I am unique in so many ways that he will miss out on what I could have brought to our lives together. Since I have been able to move on, I am now at peace and in a tranquil state of mind. I have opened my heart and myself up to meeting new people and seeing who could be lucky enough for me to welcome them into my life.

Sure I still miss him, he was my best friend for nearly a year. Over time I have realized that it’s not so much him and our relationship that I miss, its the time spent at the house with his roommates. They grew to be dear friends as well and not having them in my life has made it more difficult.

Everyone moves on at their own pace, for me, five months later and I’m finally starting to feel like my old self again.

My Happy Place

Everyone has a different happy place. Mine, well mine is actually dubbed “The Happiest Place on Earth.” Yes, my happy place is Disneyland. I have been going to Disneyland since I was around 3 years old. I always have fond memories of my trips to the land of magic.

The second I hear the little chirp while going through the turnstiles, my heart races with excitement. I have finally entered my safe place, my happy place. It is the one place on this Earth that I truly believe in magic. Nothing bad happens while at Disneyland. No matter what is going on in my life or with my family, all our worries are washed away the second we walk under the sign that says “Here you leave today and enter a world of Yesterday, Tomorrow and Fantasy.” The smell of churros and popcorn lifting you up and the old time music that you hear while walking down main street brings you into an entire different world. You can’t help but smile walking down main street seeing Sleeping Beauty’s castle in the distance. Its an overwhelming feeling of excitement and magic that over takes your body.

I have gone to Disneyland around 15-20 in my lifetime, and I will keep going until the day I die. My first ride ALWAYS has to be Pirates of the Caribbean, it is a family tradition. My dad will literally cancel a Disney trip if it is scheduled for a refurbishment.

Even though I was only at Disneyland 4 months ago, I already want to go back and create more memories with family and friends. It truly is The Happiest Place on Earth.

The Fight

Throughout most of my life, I have struggled with anxiety, and more recently, depression. As a child, I was bullied to the point of considering self-harm. I can recall thinking,” what did I do to make them hate me?” Going through school with the same thirty students for nine long years was draining. I had my friends, sure; but there was always constant reminders of the whispers going on behind me. If I were to crack open my 8th grade yearbook and share it with you, the phrases” goodbye hairy terrorist,” or “see ya goody goody two shoes,” would be painted across the pages. As a child you are not supposed to have a care in the world, but when the battle of anxiety has already begun, it is hard to not let them effect you and burrow a hole into your brain. How about that for childhood memories?
Putting on a face is something I have always been good at. It is easier to smile and go on with my day, then explain to others the demons playing tug of war with my emotions.

As I have grown older, my anxiety gets the best of me even with the smallest of problems. Ever heard the saying making a mountain out of a ant hill? With the stresses of adult life coming into play; finances, school, finding my own health insurance, and even getting cardstock for a simple project( long story for another time) have caused me to break down and want to shut away the world.

More recently, my anxiety has consumed me. The idea of ending it all crossed my mind because I let a small part of life control me and my emotions. Picking a part every miniscul part of the end result to see where I went wrong and how I could have changed the outcome became a daily part of my routine. Friends and family were the only lifelines I had to the real world and to snap back to reality in order to function in the real world.

From an outside perspective, it can be hard to understand what I am going through; the thoughts that cross my mind everyday. Friends and peers have turned their back on me because my problems don’t fit with their lifestyle.True friends don’t turn their back and run when someone needs help, they stand by you even if its just to sit quietly and listen and give no advice at all.

Everyone deals with things differently. We all go through our own trials. No one should be judged by the journey they are on and definitely not by the chapter of their lives they are writing. From my experience, I lost control of my life. I allowed myself to fall victim to others words and hatred and it made me forget who I was as a person. I am Caitlin O’Hare. I love, I fight, I cry, and I won’t stop being who I am because another peson’s words. This is my life. I choose who I want to become and I will fight for that. Every. Damn. Day.

 

Thank you Kylie for helping me tell my story

Its still there

Its been 3 months since I last kissed you. Its been 3 months since I last hugged you. Its been 3 months and I still can’t get you out of my head. I never knew how much I loved you until I lost you. You were the one I thought I was going to marry. I pictured us having kids together and growing old together. My love for you was and still is so strong. Everyday I wake up and realize that you aren’t next to me, and never will be again. It breaks my heart knowing that I will never be able to love someone as much as I love you.

You were the one that got away.

You were my first real love and I’m never going to be able to get you out of my heart. I would have given you everything. You were never able to understand that. You couldn’t see past my flaws, even though I saw past yours.

You will always be the one that got away.

Staying friends with an Ex

Is it a good idea or a bad one? A question I’ve been asking myself for the past three months. Do I miss having that friendship with him? Of course I do but it isn’t worth staying friends with someone who treated you like crap.

My ex and I had a very strange relationship. We were extremely close with each other, basically no boundaries. In my opinion it helped grow that friendship. He was one of the few people that I could tell anything and everything to. I could go to him for opinions on certain things or help. We never had a problem finding something to talk or laugh about. But is it a good idea to keep that friendship, at least on some level? That I’m always torn with.

I wish that we still talked, I miss that. Its sad when I still want that friendship and try to keep everything as normal as possible but he acts like I am the worst person on this planet. He says that we are still friends and can hang out in the future but what is really the future? 10 years from now or 10 weeks from now? All I know is that my friendship isn’t something that he can just take advantage of, like he did our relationship.

In the end do I still want that friendship? I think deep down I do because he was my best friend but that is something that I don’t think I will ever get back.

My moment of weakness

March 6, 2017.

I had a moment of weakness that subsequently change my life.

I contemplated taking my own life.

It started off as a semi normal day, still missing him but letting other external events disrupt my thoughts. Mid afternoon I just had a breakdown, the breakdown I never had after my breakup. All of the pain and hurt came rushing into my mind. I overthought everything. Would he even care if I wasn’t here anymore? Would anyone care? Am I that worthless that he never explained to me why? All the emotional abuse he put me through the final weeks of our relationship came running into my mind.

I was at work and couldn’t control my tears. My mind had thoughts of suicide because I didn’t feel like my life was worth living anymore. I let a stupid boy take control of my thoughts and mind. It took my best friend calling me in tears to talk me down for 20 minutes. It took a former friend contacting my sister and getting my family involved. It has to be the hardest day of my life because I let him get to me.

I was willing to end everything because he didn’t care enough, and honestly I feel like to this day he still doesn’t. What hurt even more was that my best friend told him what was going on and he didn’t even care. In that moment, I was literally seconds away from ending everything. I also had someone who I thought was a friend call me “petty and foolish” yet he had no idea what else was going on in my mind.

It was my biggest moment of weakness and its still with me almost two months later. Everyday is a struggle, I hide it from everyone around me because I don’t want them to know how much pain I am actually in. Every night I still cry myself to sleep. I go back and forth between hating him and loving him. Sometimes I wish I had gone through with it, but the stronger Caitlin comes out the other end.

I was bullied when I was younger and dealt with a form of bullying from my ex. He NEVER treated me with the respect that I deserve. He constantly judged me for every little thing I did. I gave him everything and he gave me nothing but pain. We went to Disneyland for my birthday and he looked like he hated every second of it. He used me at the end of our relationship just so he could get laid. When he was over me, he just threw me out like an old rag doll. He claims that he cared about me and loved me, I call BULLSHIT. Everything about our relationship was a lie.

The abuse he put me through make me weak, and worthless. He was and still is the big reason I struggle on a daily basis. At times I regret ever meeting him.

Yet through all the pain I have gone through recently, and still going through. I know that I am stronger because of what I have been through. It is his loss that he didn’t see how amazing I am. He lost a woman that would have done anything and everything for him. He lost someone that truly loved him for who he was (or who I thought he was).

Yes, I had a moment of weakness and I let my emotions and anxiety get the best of me. But because of my friends, they were able to show me that I am worth everything. He didn’t deserve a woman with a heart like mine. As any one of my friends can tell you, I have one go the biggest hearts. Even though it is broken, it is still a strong heart that is worth every second of every day.

I have learned over the course of these past few months that it’s okay to ask for help. I know that I struggle with my mental health but it is nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone has struggles, I let mine get the best of me and it is something I am working on daily. My thoughts still haunt me from time to time, but I just look to my tattoo and remember that I am strong and I am worth it.

 

Running into your Ex

Always an extremely awkward situation. Do you say hi, hug, smile? I’m honestly never really sure what to do or say. I always end up saying “hi” because that’s the type of person that I am.

I have always been friendly to my ex boyfriends, ex hook-ups or whatever you want to call them. I try not to have beef with anyone I have crossed paths with in my life. Yet it always seems to be an awkward moment when you run into your ex. Luckily I haven’t ran into my ex with another woman (yet). I’m hoping I won’t have to deal with that situation as I am not sure how I would react. Do I want him to be happy? Sure I do, but I don’t want to see it.

I try to have a normal conversation with him and it just always seems like he isn’t having it. I’m a very friendly person and it always hurts a little when someone I use to talk to everyday about everything (and I mean everything) doesn’t want to have a normal, adult conversation with me.

I hope that over time, running into him will become easier and we can go back to being friends. Only time will tell with that one.

Losing a Friend

Losing a friend can be hard. I’ve definitely lost a few in my 26 years of life. Some have been my fault, some have been theirs, and others have just drifted apart.

Its always difficult to lose a friend, one you thought would be there for the long haul. But with each friendship you grow, develop and learn. You take parts of that friendship and use it to help another. No one in this world is perfect, we all have made mistakes but its those friendships that fight through those mistakes, will be the ones that last a lifetime.

Personally, I know that I have lost some friends because of my anger and my stubbornness. It has been something that I have worked on over the years, especially after I got into a fight with my high school best friend and we haven’t talked in two years. I continue to grow and learn more about myself. I also have learned about the type of friendship I want.

I recently lost a friend who I thought was one of the best. I learned the hard way that she wasn’t the most supportive and was extremely selfish. She is the type of person that will just dump you if you don’t hang out with her enough. I constantly see her friend circle ┬áchanging. What I don’t think she realizes, is that as you get older its about the ones that you can go days/weeks without talking to but you know that they will still be there. Its the ones that when you haven’t seen them in the longest time, when you get together, its like you’ve never been apart. Those are the friendships worth having.

When I was younger it was all about how many friends one person had. At the age I am now, to me I cherish the types of friends that I have. My inner circle is small, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. As they say, its about quality over quantity.

The whys?

This is honestly going to be a complete ramble today…

Everyday it starts to get easier, yet missing him is still there. Every morning, every night. He is always on my mind. Why wasn’t I enough for him? Why doesn’t he want to see me, talk to me? All I ever did was love him. I would have given him the world. Why couldn’t he see that? Why all of sudden? What was the turning point?

Everyday I ask myself those questions. He never really gave me an answer. I’m just forgotten in his mind. I am no one to him anymore and thats the hardest part of all of it. Knowing that he doesn’t care enough or even cared enough in the end. My feelings meant nothing to him.

My feelings towards him constantly change. Some days I still love him and want him back. Other days I hate him with every bone in my body because of how he hurt me. It didn’t even bother him how badly I was hurting. Unfortunately, he will always have a place in my heart. I hate that. He was my first true love. I pictured a future with him, a life. Why didn’t he want to fight for us? Was I not good enough for him? Not pretty enough? Not funny enough? Those are the questions I have asked over and over and I’ll probably never get the answer.

February 1st

February 1st, the day the love of my life (or so I thought) decided to end our relationship. One of the hardest days I’ve have in recent memory.

I woke up next to him like any other day, we both had the day off and were planning on spending it together. We did spend most of the day together; until the text. He texted me saying we needed to talk (never a good text to get). The way he ended things showed me that he never really cared about me or our relationship. I mean, who in their right mind decides to end a relationship in a Chipotle parking!

He came into my car and without any explanation just ended it, right then and there. My heart sank into my stomach. I was completely numb. Yes we had our issues, what couple doesn’t? He never told me if anything was bothering him, I was completely blindsided. We both talked about our Valentine’s Day plans that morning. I never thought that driving to that Chipotle parking lot would have been the end. My heart was shattered, a feeling I will never forget.

That night, I couldn’t sleep. My mind kept wondering why? What did I do wrong? I thought that we were happy.

This is just the beginning of the story…