March 6, 2017.
I had a moment of weakness that subsequently change my life.
I contemplated taking my own life.
It started off as a semi normal day, still missing him but letting other external events disrupt my thoughts. Mid afternoon I just had a breakdown, the breakdown I never had after my breakup. All of the pain and hurt came rushing into my mind. I overthought everything. Would he even care if I wasn’t here anymore? Would anyone care? Am I that worthless that he never explained to me why? All the emotional abuse he put me through the final weeks of our relationship came running into my mind.
I was at work and couldn’t control my tears. My mind had thoughts of suicide because I didn’t feel like my life was worth living anymore. I let a stupid boy take control of my thoughts and mind. It took my best friend calling me in tears to talk me down for 20 minutes. It took a former friend contacting my sister and getting my family involved. It has to be the hardest day of my life because I let him get to me.
I was willing to end everything because he didn’t care enough, and honestly I feel like to this day he still doesn’t. What hurt even more was that my best friend told him what was going on and he didn’t even care. In that moment, I was literally seconds away from ending everything. I also had someone who I thought was a friend call me “petty and foolish” yet he had no idea what else was going on in my mind.
It was my biggest moment of weakness and its still with me almost two months later. Everyday is a struggle, I hide it from everyone around me because I don’t want them to know how much pain I am actually in. Every night I still cry myself to sleep. I go back and forth between hating him and loving him. Sometimes I wish I had gone through with it, but the stronger Caitlin comes out the other end.
I was bullied when I was younger and dealt with a form of bullying from my ex. He NEVER treated me with the respect that I deserve. He constantly judged me for every little thing I did. I gave him everything and he gave me nothing but pain. We went to Disneyland for my birthday and he looked like he hated every second of it. He used me at the end of our relationship just so he could get laid. When he was over me, he just threw me out like an old rag doll. He claims that he cared about me and loved me, I call BULLSHIT. Everything about our relationship was a lie.
The abuse he put me through make me weak, and worthless. He was and still is the big reason I struggle on a daily basis. At times I regret ever meeting him.
Yet through all the pain I have gone through recently, and still going through. I know that I am stronger because of what I have been through. It is his loss that he didn’t see how amazing I am. He lost a woman that would have done anything and everything for him. He lost someone that truly loved him for who he was (or who I thought he was).
Yes, I had a moment of weakness and I let my emotions and anxiety get the best of me. But because of my friends, they were able to show me that I am worth everything. He didn’t deserve a woman with a heart like mine. As any one of my friends can tell you, I have one go the biggest hearts. Even though it is broken, it is still a strong heart that is worth every second of every day.
I have learned over the course of these past few months that it’s okay to ask for help. I know that I struggle with my mental health but it is nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone has struggles, I let mine get the best of me and it is something I am working on daily. My thoughts still haunt me from time to time, but I just look to my tattoo and remember that I am strong and I am worth it.